24 January 2011

To Tell The Truth

I watched Dr. Phil this afternoon, and he had an anorexic/bulimic mother of 3 who weighs a whole 76 pounds, on the show.

I must admit, that while watching this show, I felt a little nostalgic and jealous.

{Please do not judge me. This is not a confession, nor a cry for help. It is not a pity plee. Please just listen to what I have to say.}

It's no secret that I have struggled with my weight for a very long time. As long as I can remember, I have been the "fat kid". This is no secret, as everyone can see the weight. They can see the belly, the thighs, the jiggle of my arms. It's tough to hide when you are {technically} obese.

What the world doesn't see or know is the inner struggle I go through every day; the battles I have fought... and lost.

I have never been underweight. I have never even known a healthy weight. But, I have known the struggle of an eating disorder, and it is something I have to fight every day to keep from running back to.

Yes, I miss that control. I miss the satisfaction of going to bed with only 500 calories in my system. The growl of my stomach easing me to sleep at night. I am proud of how well I have learned to hide it; the not eating and the weight loss alike.

I also miss the disappointment when I failed. When I would step on the scale in the morning to find that had not lose enough weight in the past 24 hours. As demented as it sounds, I miss that voice in my head telling me what a worthless person I was for not doing well enough.

I realize that it is unhealthy. I realize that I could die. And I realize that any "weight loss" plan I go on, I have to monitor carefully day to day. I constantly have to remind myself that a pound a week is a great accomplishment! I have to remind myself to eat at least 1200 calories a day {though lately, I've been struggling with that, as well}. I realize that it only takes one small slip to send me tumbling down that path again. And this time, I may not be able to stop it.

Anorexia seems to be popping up a lot lately, on TV, in magazines, everywhere. I am more than tempted to embrace that wonderful feeling again. I keep thinking, just one day of fasting will not do me any harm. Just one weekend of SlimFast will give me a good weigh in, then I can start eating right again.

But, I know it wouldn't end there...


Anonymous said...

Hi Brandi! I know it is hard to struggle with weight, I am having that issue as well... and it seems like nothing I try (be it exercise, counting calories, etc.) seems to work and it is really frustrating! But we can't give up :) we have to keep trying. We will get there. Something's got to give.

Melissa said...

I have really been wanting to get back into Spark People. I totally don't care to go another summer at my weight either. Do you have a wii by chance? My favorite coupon blogger at CouponingtoDisney.com had a site called WiiToANewMii.com it was really fun but she got pregnant and quit but I want to see if she's up to trying again. But if you have a wii I'd love some friendly encouragement/challege Heehee.